American Idol
Title: "Top 9 Contestants Compete"
First Aired: 4/3/07
Having trouble sleeping? No problem! Just pop in a tape of Tony Bennett talking to nine American Idol contestants. Trust me, you'll be out like a light!
Your nightmares, however, might bear a striking resemblance to what took place for one entire mind-numbing hour on FOX last night. Long story short, the top nine contestants took a few ham-fisted swipes at crooning such classic numbers as "Mack the Knife," "Ain't Misbehavin'," and "Night and Day," while a somewhat confused-looking Tony Bennett did his best dinosaur impression.
This experience offered all of the excitement of rummaging through Grandma's knitting basket while she tells you how much corn she used to buy for a nickel.
There was, however, one wonderful moment...
When Sanjaya "I'll probably grow up to sell adult toys" Malakar came before the judges, a sense of disgust hung palpably in the air. His slicked-back hair, his wanna-be moustache, and even his pimp suit couldn't get him a compliment. Sure, Paula may have drunkenly mumbled something about Sanjaya being a "beautiful flower in the atmosphere of joy," or perhaps, "a vessel of loveliness in the sea of peace," but nobody pays attention to her. We all know that she and Randy "The Cliché Dawg" Jackson are mere appetizers to Simon Cowell's main course.
So, when Simon made a total joke out of Sanjaya's performance, and let it be known that the kid should be kicked off the show ("Let's try a different tactic this week. Sanjaya, that was incredible!"), you'd better believe he was speaking for the entire Idol machine. Come on, America. It's time to vote this freak off. If not, and Idol takes a big financial hit trying to promote his first CD, you'd better be prepared to watch has-been Howard Stern take the credit for it.
Pick your poison, voters: You can either kick a talentless eunuch off the biggest show in the world, or you can keep a talentless blowhard in the headlines.
Lost in all this mess, of course, is the fact that Melinda Doolittle is still in control of this competition. Sure, Lakisha Jones and Blake Lewis have a lot of fans, but this is currently (barring the dreaded Malakar-calypse) Melinda's show. This does not bode well for Phil Stacey or Gina Glocksen, of course, one of whom is sure to get the boot tonight. And, speaking of Phil Stacey, have you ever seen that movie Cocoon? I mean, seriously, dude looks like an alien.
But even singing aliens couldn't save this complete waste of an hour. I must admit, though, I can't wait to see wait to see what the Idol producers have in store for us next week! Maybe Liza Minnelli will coach the contestants on some classic campfire songs. Maybe Liberace will rise from the dead. Or maybe, just maybe, there will be a guest appearance by Peter Noone!
No matter what happens, you can be sure it will be better than last night. If I'm lying, I'm (hopefully) dying. Buhlee-dat!
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