Seriously, did you see that? Take all of the best moments from this season, roll 'em up in some Zig-Zags, and blammo!, you've got last night's episode in a blunt shell.
Now, for those who prefer regular English: Last night's episode was tip-top, with more storylines than Alec Baldwin has issues. Where should we start? Okay, how about this...
First, Jordin Sparks sucked it up. Then, Lakisha Jones sang so well that Simon Cowell kissed her on the mouth. Next, Blake Lewis brought back the beat-box. What else? Hmm... oh yeah, Jon Bon Jovi was in the house. Also, the President of the United States showed up. For real!
On a night that seemed destined for total disaster, only one contestant blew chunks. Surprisingly, it was Jordin Sparks! Her rendition of Bon Jovi's classic "Livin' on a Prayer" drew such high praise as: "That was terrible"; "You sounded like you were shrieking"; and "You look like something from The Addams Family." It was true, though -- she did! With her big, curly, teased-out rocker hairdo, Jordin clocked in at exactly 340 times the size of Ryan Seacrest, and was officially declared a planet.
It's doubtful that this blemish will derail Jordin's trip to the top three, but after last night, it's once again any diva's game! Lakisha Jones came back to the scene with some seriously soulful vengeance last night, after three weeks of complete mediocrity. She looked energized, confident, and bodacious as she belted out Jon Bon's heart-wrenching ballad, "This Ain't a Love Song" (yes, you read that right). In fact, she sang it so well that Simon said, "Lakisha, I could kiss you," to which Lakisha replied, "Well, come on!" And then, kind strangers, television history was made. Unless you don't count seeing Simon Cowell with dark red lipstick on his mouth television history.
Funny thing was, just when it looked as though it couldn't get any better, Blake Lewis strutted onto the stage with jet black hair, a funky drummer at his side, and proceeded to bring the beat-box back to the people! Believe me, as dorky as I think the beat-boxing white dude is, Blake's rendition of "You Give Love a Bad Name" was just damn cool.
All of these standout performances (Melinda was fabulous too, of course) led us to only one conclusion: Chris Richardson and Phil Stacey have no business on that stage anymore. Even though Phil is doing himself proud, his winning American Idol would be like a festering goiter winning Miss America. It just ain't gonna happen. And Chris Richardson? Sure, he may have the looks, but his brain makes the drunken hamster running the wheel in Paula Abdul's head look collegiate. This was evidenced last night by his swift-thinking response when asked the tough question, "What do you think about before you take the stage?" Chris said, literally: "Just have fun. Make it like it's the last, you know. Just have fun, man. It's all about, you know. Just have fun." Well played, lad. Well played. Was that Abe Lincoln or MLK, Jr. who originally dropped that "Make it like it's the last" quote?
Oh yeah, I almost forgot. After all of this, the President and First Lady showed up via satellite! Apparently, American Idol raised 70 million dollars for charity last week. The President seemed a little confused as to whether 70 million dollars was more or less than 70 bajillion dollars, but overall, even he came off well on this fine evening!
So, two obvious contestants will get kicked off tonight. Then we will finally have the competition we've been waiting for: Blake, Lakisha, Jordin, and Melinda! Who do you boot out of that group, America?
Fearless Predictions for Tonight's Results Show: Phil Stacey is finally forced to settle up on his deal with the devil. The Prez misses the show entirely, because he is still analyzing Chris Richardson's intricate "fun initiative." And 15 million thirty-somethings simultaneously say, "Did Jon Bon Jovi have some work done?"
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