American Idol
Title: "Top 6 Contestants Compete"
First Aired: 4/24/07
Thanks to the ground-breaking efforts of American Idol: Idol Gives Back, America has finally realized that there is injustice in the world. Whew, not a minute too late, if you ask me!
The most mind-blowing moment of last night's episode was when Simon Cowell, walking through a poverty-stricken, disease-infested shantytown in Africa, so eloquently said, "It's just wrong."
Oh, really, Simon? No sh*t! There are people who dedicate their whole lives to fighting these problems. Don't act like you discovered these harsh realities. Please, just do your job. Just be rich and aloof and tell me who sings well and who sings badly. Wear tight V-neck shirts that highlight those forty-something pectorals. Treat me like dirt. Leave the charity to people who are actually earnest, down to Earth, and not driven by profit... like multi-platinum recording artist Bono!
Or, if you really do want to give to charity; do it every week (don't you get 30 million votes per?)! Don't make a two-night, three-hour extravaganza out of it. Geez! Why can't we keep our pleasures separate? Charity and humanitarian issues in one hand. Ridiculously over-hyped reality TV show in the other.
That said, let's talk about what actually went down on the stage last night! In an episode for which contestants were asked to pick songs that "inspired" them, the atmosphere was dripping with schmaltz. If a contestant wasn't trying to "reach out to the less fortunate," "make a difference," or "save the world," then it looked like he or she wasn't even trying.
This, along with all the sanctimony in the air, led to puke-inducing versions of such well-intentioned classics as "Imagine" and "Change the World." Luckily, though, there aren't that many contestants left, so the suckage gave way to things like AT&T commercials and Africa footage. Joy!
You know it's bad when you can't tell which you'd rather see -- another Ford pickup truck sliding across a desert landscape, or Chris Richardson wearing a sport coat and cargo pants. Come on, man. A sport coat and cargo pants? Putting a necktie on a pile of dog poop doesn't make it fancy -- it just stinks up the tie!
But the real storyline for most Idol fans (in this strange post-Sanjaya world) is this: Lakisha Jones will not be the next American Idol. Neither will Blake Lewis. The stock on these two is dropping faster than Paula Abdul's IQ (can she really describe every performance as "magical" and keep her job?).
The only two horses left in this race are Melinda Doolittle and Jordin Sparks. These two want it, and they want it bad. The crazy thing is, Jordin Sparks is only 17 years old! You know what that means? She's not even finished growing! By the time the season finale rolls around, she'll be, like, nine feet tall! Good luck, Melinda -- you're going to need it against what may be the first invincible diva of the 21st century.
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