American Idol: How Do You Pronounce Anticlimactic?

Well, the age-old question has been answered: Yes, it is indeed possible for something to both suck and blow at the same time. Last night's Idol episode proved it!

Just when we thought we were getting to the "real" competition, the final four showdown that we've all been waiting on, American Idol laid an egg! With guest coach Barry Gibb (of BeeGees fame) running the show, the contestants were the worst they've been in months.

So, how could this long-awaited showdown have been such a disaster? The answer's simple:

You have to be a coke-sniffing, falsetto-voiced disco king with no lips to sing BeeGees songs. It's as simple as that. Nobody sings like those guys. Nobody even tries! So, why on Earth did Idol producers decide to save this corpse's music for one of the most important weeks of the season? I have no idea. This is the reason some people hate this show. You just can't trust it!

After last week's round of amazing performances, the judges weren't happy with anything they saw last night. Melinda Doolittle was said to have reverted to her background singing ways, Lakisha Jones was called "a little scary," Blake Lewis was called "absolutely terrible," and even Jordin Sparks (who they all agreed performed the best) was called "pageanty."

Now, the real tragedy here is that one of these four great contestants is going to get kicked off the show tonight because of the ridiculous grab bag of songs they were forced to sing. "You Should Be Dancing"? "Staying Alive"? Good God! These songs haven't even been kitschy for, like, a decade.

It was only apt that a day that began with Paris Hilton writing a letter to Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger to ask for legal pardon would end with white-guy extraordinaire Blake Lewis beat-boxing his way through a freaking BeeGees song. Oy vey. Welcome to the monkey house of American pop culture, eh? At least we're all in this together.

Seriously, though, the only highlight of last night's show was Paula referring to herself as "succinct". Now that's funny! Oh yeah, Simon also said that both Blake and Lakisha are in trouble tonight. So there's that.

Fearless Predictions for Tonight's Results Show: Barry Gibb provides a whole new generation with his own special brand of falsetto nightmares. Paula Abdul describes herself as "sober." Blake Lewis gets ki-ki-ki-ki-kicked off the show. Wiggy-wack.