American Idol: My Spanish Teacher Was Never This Hot!

American Idol
Title: "Lowest Vote Getter of Top 8 Contestants Eliminated"
First Aired: 4/11/07
Listen up, America! Pay attentione! Jennifer Lopez is the reason to become bilingual.

But what do you care? Judging by Haley Scarnato's dismissal from last night's Results Show, the majority of you aren't much into sex appeal anyway. How else do you explain Phil Stacey, who looks like some sort of chemical side effect, getting more votes than Haley's legs?

It definitely doesn't have to do anything with Phil's singing. If it did, he wouldn't be hanging out in the bottom three every week. These guys would:

Chris Richardson and Sanjaya Malakar!

Sure, Sanjaya is old news. Still, it should be mentioned that, once again, he wasn't in the bottom three! How is that possible? Are people so bored, so devoid of interesting habits, that they have nothing better to do than jump on this pathetic bandwagon? If you vote for Sanjaya, you have no brain. It's as simple as that. I don't want to hear about "an ironic cultural phenomenon." I don't want to hear about his "super-duper mustache." I want him off of my television.

Chris Richardson is in this same boat. At least he was in the bottom three last night, with Phil and Haley. That's encouraging! Ladies, please, don't fall for this guy's Timber-looks. He is not an artist, not a star. He is the guy who slips GHB into your drink at a frat party.

The true artist on last night's stage was obvious. It was Akon. Bwa-ha-ha-ha-ha! Seriously, how does this guy keep finding work? He sounds like one of The Chipmunks, after Alvin and the boys smoked an enormous blunt. For those of you who think this guy is fresh, check out the white-guy-reggae-rapper from the '90s named Snow. He also sucked.

J. Lo. is the real artist I'm talking about. Although it may be hard to recognize this fact as she poses in bikinis and displays her stupendous rump for all to see, the girl knows how to put on a show. We're talking backup dancers, pyrotechnics, and a bunch of words that only one out of every ten American households (statistically speaking) could understand. Still, as Randy Jackson would say, "She put the yo factor on blast!" This, of course, is a phrase that only one out of every 200 American households can understand.

So, maybe Paula summed it up most eloquently when she said: "Garble garble magic soul garble pretty dress of light." This meant, of course, "See you next Tuesday, for Martina McBride and Country Music Week!"

God bless that Paula. She sure was kinda pretty in the '80s.