The announcement of Jordin Sparks claiming the Season 6 “American Idol” crown followed just over two hours of television that featured the very best and the very worst the show has to offer.
The massive Kodak Theatre crowd had its share of A-, B- and C-list celebrities eying the action, including Jennifer Hudson, Michael Chiklis, Jeff Foxworthy, Jerry Springer, Teri Hatcher, David Alan Grier, Brad Garrett, Justin Guarini and David Hasselhoff. I’d make a topical joke about The Hoff here, but KITT knows where I live and isn’t afraid to activate the Turbo Boost.
After a harmless duet between Sparks and Blake Lewis on The Beatles’ “I Saw Her Standing There,” we cut to Gwen Stefani performing live in concert elsewhere. While her hair, make-up and front of the dress were flawless, she did the best she could with the back of the dress—which looked like a strawberry cruller—and a mostly tuneless track, which evidently is her favorite from her second solo album. Go figure.
Then came Kelly Clarkson. (All hail!) The remarkable thing is that while Clarkson sounded hoarse, she still obliterated both Sparks and Lewis with the performance of her new single, “Never Again.” I firmly believe the show wouldn’t have lasted three seasons if Clarkson didn’t turn into a superstar.
Ryan Seacrest then stood smugly behind a podium to announce the start of the second-annual Golden Idol awards, a.k.a. the “We need to kill 20 minutes out of 120 with some garbage” segments. The bird-lady contestant who lied about her age in the opening round accepted an “award.” No one “laughed.” It was “bad.”
Because of this, I checked the Yankees-Sox score to make sure the Pinstripes were still shelling Schilling, then flipped back to see the top six guys—Sanjaya Malakar, Chris Richardson, Chris Sligh, Phil Stacey, Brandon Rogers and Blake Lewis—sing with 67-year-old Smokey Robinson, who still holds his own. Surprisingly, Stacey delivered the best performance of the six contestants on that song. He gets this season’s Most Improved award from me, but no Golden Idol, thankfully.
During the commercial break, the audience was subjected to an ad for a new reality TV series called “The Next Food Network Star,” which looks suspiciously like “Top Chef” but far less entertaining. Like fat-free ice cream or hot dogs without mustard, why bother? Another commercial peddling the “American Idol” spin-off series for bands was thrust upon viewers. The show looks unwatchable, but then again, I said that about “Idol” before it came out, too.
Perhaps my favorite moment of the night was the collaboration between old-school rapper/beat-boxer Doug E. Fresh and Blake Lewis on a song called “The Show.” The beginning was admittedly a mess, but the duo found their bearings and delivered a high-octane performance full of enjoyable moments. It was the closest thing to rival last year’s goose-bump inducing Elliott Yamin and Mary J. Blige collabo, and it was far cooler than Jordin Sparks teaming up with the competent but uninspiring Ruben Studdard later in the show.
Another jokey Golden Idol is awarded to a guy I don’t even remember auditioning for the show. Shocker: He was available.
The top six ladies took the stage and did their thing. I had forgotten about Legs McGee—I mean Haley Scarnato. She’s a looker, that one! And Stephanie “I Can’t Believe Sanjaya Is Touring With the Top 10 Idols Instead of Me” Edwards sounded great. Gina Glocksen didn’t sound half-bad either. But once Gladys Knight took the stage, it was all about the trio of Knight, Melinda Doolittle and LaKisha Jones. It was an interesting microcosm for the season: The guys (and Smokey Robinson) were good, but the girls (and Gladys Knight) blew them out of the water.
Tony Bennett, who skipped an earlier “Idol” results show performance this year, brought the house down with a cover of Stevie Wonder’s “For Once in My Life.” Just as the audience gave its initial strong ovation, he started belting out notes at the tippity top of his range—and the crowd roared. Oh yeah, one more thing: Tony Bennett is 80 years old. Maybe it’s because of an appearance he made with the Red Hot Chili Peppers at the 1993 MTV Video Music Awards ceremony, or his singing of the “Capital City” song on an old episode of “The Simpsons,” but whatever the reason, I can’t help but smile every time I see him.
That brilliantly positive vibe was shattered minutes later, when Seacrest awarded the “Best Buds” Golden Idol trophies to Jonathan Briggs and Kenneth Jane, the two contestants who many viewers felt received unnecessarily brutal treatment from Simon Cowell and the producers. For those of you who don’t know or forgot, it’s fair to say that Briggs and Jane’s vocals were far from “Idol” quality. But Briggs, who has Aarskog Syndrome—which can cause facial abnormalities—was called a “bush baby” by Cowell; and Jane, who was a Special Olympics participant, was extensively interviewed (read: exploited) after an awkward audition in which Cowell teased him for the size of his pants. It was bad enough to “award” them Golden Idols, which were more condescending than the initial exploitation; but it was far more disgusting for the show to sponsor a Milwaukee County Zoo bush baby in Briggs’ “honor.” Shudder.
But the roller-coaster of good-and-evil zoomed back up the tracks, thanks to Doolittle. She helped the show redeem itself (somewhat) by singing an inspirational number with BeBe and CeCe Winans. It was this song that showcased why Melinda wasn’t in the final; neither she nor the song was commercial enough for mass acceptance. But wow, did she wail on what was the best “Idol” contestant vocal of the night. Hooray for Mindy Doo!
A gorgeous Carrie Underwood performed her cover of the Pretenders’ “I’ll Stand By You,” whose gorgeous studio version appeared on the “Idol Gives Back” special. I have to say, though, she sounded the teensiest bit sharp throughout the song, which is a shame. But she received a massive plaque to celebrate her sale of more than 6 million albums from Clive Davis at then end of his annual “American Idol”-owns-the-music-industry-now speech. She was gracious and quickly returned the focus to the rest of the show.
The super-cute African Children’s Choir, also featured in the “Idol Gives Back” special, took the Kodak Theatre stage and performed “Abataka.” I think you’re kicked out of that group if you stop smiling for two-and-a-half seconds.
aidol6finale_0632f.jpgBut those good feelings vanished when Sanjaya Malakar took the stage with Aerosmith guitarist Joe Perry (Say it ain’t so, Joe!) and performed The Kinks’ “You Really Got Me” without a trace of irony. Crying girl Ashley Ferl was in the crowd again, supplying the waterworks. The whole thing was just brutal to watch, because neither Malakar nor Perry seemed to be in on the joke, assuming it was one. Oof.
From “American Idiot” to “American Idol,” Green Day appeared next to sing a cover of John Lennon’s “Working Class Hero.” It was fine, but not as electrifying as last year’s set by special guest Prince, a.k.a. The Artist Known As The Best Super Bowl Halftime Show Performer of All Time.
The show was a snoozefest for the next 20 minutes. Taylor “Wait, how exactly did I win last year?” Hicks’ dull song led into a Sparks-Studdard duet that was dull-o-rama. But they didn’t sound bad, at least. I mean, even Mr. Malakar sounded better than the worst performer of the night, Bette Midler, who warbled through “Wind Beneath My Wings.” That song was excruciating when she hit all the notes, but it was downright tragic in the Kodak Theatre. I doubt she’ll be invited back to Krusty the Klown’s next Komeback Special. (Sorry, another “Simpsons” reference. That’ll be my last of the evening.)
After an anticlimactic medley of “Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band” songs, featuring past champs and this season’s Top 12, Seacrest announced the least surprising result in show history: Sparks won! As her reward, she got to sing that oppressive “This Is My Now” song again as the credits rolled. Eek.
Well, another season of “Idol” is in the books. But I’m sure there will be more to write about its characters and subplots in the weeks to come. Thanks for following the series with me this season! (Cue the opening strains of Daughtry’s “Home.”)
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