American Idol Rocks

Tuesday, May 22, 2007

American idol judges have too much power?

Since "American Idol" seems to be the juggernaut force in pop music these days, and since there are only three "American Idol" judges, a question arises.

Actually, three questions arise.

Do these three individuals have too much power?

Are these the best three people to have this much power?

Are there any three people who should have this much power?

Randy Jackson, Paula Abdul and Simon Cowell not only render their own decisions, but influence the decisions of millions of TV viewers who cast their votes for this or that contestant.

In fact, Jackson, Abdul and Cowell, more than any other three individuals in America, are shaping the future of American pop music.

Is this a good idea?

It makes us wonder what it might have been like, in the past, if these three had been the sole judges when singers like Elvis and Dylan and Springsteen were looking for a break.

Here's how Elvis Presley's audition might have turned out ...

Jackson: "Check it out! Dawg! That was a little pitchy, but you've got a big voice, man. Don't overdo it, though. Keep it real. That's all I'm saying."

Abdul: "You're really, really fun to watch. Do you know you're fun
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to watch?"

Cowell: "You were shouting at us. You sounded like a bad wedding singer straining to be heard over the crowd. And what was all that bumping and grinding? I didn't know if you were dancing or having a seizure. I thought you were absolutely dreadful."

Here's how Bob Dylan might have fared ...

Jackson: "Yo, dawg, check it out! Good lyrics, but your vocals need some work. You have some pitch issues, dawg. I'm just leveling with you, man."

Abdul: "You looked uncomfortable up there. Are you uncomfortable up there?"

Cowell: "That was the most nasally excuse for singing I have ever heard. Do you have a bad cold? I thought it was absolutely dreadful."

Here's what the judges might have said after listening to the Beach Boys ...

Jackson: "Check it out! Dawgs! Nice harmonies. A little pitchy here and there, but not too bad. Not too bad, you know what I'm saying?"

Abdul: "I love your matching suits and haircuts. You guys are really, really cute. You know you're cute, don't you?"

Cowell: "Excuse me, are you a girl group or a boy group? I honestly have no idea. If you're a girl group, you're not too terrible. If you're a boy group, you're absolutely dreadful."

Jimi Hendrix might have fared something like this ...

Jackson: "Dawg! Check it out! I've never heard anybody play guitar like that. That was unreal, man. Your voice? I don't know. That was just OK for me. Kind of pitchy. But OK. You know what I mean?"

Abdul: "You're unique. Nobody is like you. You know that nobody's like you, right?"

Cowell: "Playing guitar with your teeth. Playing guitar behind your back. Throwing yourself around. Moaning and groaning. I'm not sure whether you're a musician or a Las Vegas contortionist. Absolutely dreadful."

Bruce Springsteen's audition might have gone something like this ...

Jackson: "Check it out! Check it out! Dawg, you're working too hard. Don't wreck your voice. It's getting all pitchy on you."

Abdul: "You are really intense. Do you know that you are really intense?"

Cowell: "Honestly, you sound like a dying cow. This is a singing competition. That was more like bellowing. You sounded like you were in misery. I know I was. I thought you were absolutely dreadful."

Milli Vanilli's audition probably would have ended like this ...

Jackson, rising to his feet and applauding: "Check it out! Dawgs! That was pitch-perfect! You're gonna have a career!"

Abdul, dancing and leaping: "You are stars! You know you are stars, don't you?"

Cowell, standing and weeping with joy: "That was absolutely fantastic. As far as I am concerned, the competition is over. We have found our new American Idols!"

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